Even though I’m more aware I still don’t know who I am. Sometimes it feels that I am composed but this composition is not robust. Sometimes it’s solid and there are times when it is so fragile. When “it” comes it’s breaking apart again.
I think now I can finally answer the question once asked by my therapist. “What is that you really feel. Tell me one emotion. Name it!”. Now, I know – it’s shame. All who I am has been shaped and determined by this very emotion. All I ever did was to avoid shame. The perfectionism, the constant feeling of being not good enough – that was it. Do all I can to avoid shame. This is my trauma’s name.
If I had to name one revelation – that without a doubt would be it. Nothing compares.
This has an explanation. I am so afraid of being ashamed and judged so I appear not who I would like to be and hence I will be abandoned (as not valuable, interesting etc enough). I can’t realize my “accumulated” value as a person, so I only view it from the perspective of my most recent achievements. Sadly, this must have been how I was treated. This kind of damage makes one a crushed can. You can remodel it, but it’s not going to be pristine again. Never will.
There are positive changes though. I feel more empathy. I relearn the world again. I notice the great value in being nice, good, and emphatic. I want to be someone I never was! I want the values inverted. I despise my former self.