“Heartbreak, betrayal, loneliness, removal, absence, division, depression, separation, sadness, >heartache, unhappiness, upheaval, grief, sorrow, upset, disorder, confusion, alienation, loss, >distraction, ill-health, conflict, disillusion, trauma, serious misunderstandings, tears. (Tarot Card >Key Meanings for Three Of Swords)
. golgotha . first blow . depression
Depression came suddenly. Hit me badly. I found myself in the darkest place on earth. Completely heartbroken and debilitated. Life and all the plans became absurdly unimportant. I believed I was close to the end. I would think of death but never actually tried. To all ignorants out there – depression is no joke. This feels like a physical pain, but which you can’t address by medication (not by painkillers).
“Alcohol is in my veins
Tears fall as I think of you.
The true memory you left me with
is a key to the wine of melancholy.”
(Nasstasia in eternal sleep by Darkthrone).
My daily routine was to play favorite music (sad, dark, melancholic and depressive) and drink. Alone. When I drank I seemed to connect to a dimension where my suffering became sort of mystical and maybe in a way pleasant. Two 9% porters were just fine. They would do the job. I could normally talk and function. I slept better. I would get numb. It was an illusion, very dangerous, but I had no great plans for me back then. I now know, a narcissistic style person can be “not himself” for a while and be “alive”. Maybe because of that I always felt so different when boozed. What I was experiencing was probably the same feeling of abandonment and loneliness. It was re-experiencing the past through the present. Mystical suffering for no reason. Entering a false reality which maybe was more true than the reality. What a miserable life to have!
Alcohol helps me in integrating the dimensions together. I despise lying. It for sure was not a deliberate decision. I instincttelty new it was wrong. Not part of me. So present like evil, but not part of me.
. second blow . the visit . manipulation . third blow . turn against my blood
“Against everyone Against everything Perhaps I will stand in my father’s way Against the heart My own mother Against the soul or the body” (Kobong “Against” song)
. decision making Decision making has always been hard. It was never an easy task. I had to think, prepare, analyze before I finally decided because I couldn’t fail. On the other hand, afterwards, I was always unsatisfied and I always looked back. Now, the pattern seems so logical. I had no room for making mistakes. I can’t recall a single case either me or my father made a mistake and we celebrated it as a lesson learned. Not a one. It was always complaining, whining and finger-pointing. “You should have” (done this or done that) – that was what I used to hear countless times. Later it was my “inner critic” repeating those poisonous words for her. What a damned legacy carried over, isn’t it? . supply . I am what others make me Now it seems so evident and clear. Even a meeting, a talk, interaction has a positive impact on my mood. I enter a room or a call with the mood scale 3/10 and go out as 8/10. This is irrational and weird, but that is how it works. Very simple mechanism. Interaction must be some form of validation. This makes me feel alive. I am at least part of something. I am seen and heard. Validation is supply. Supply is a fix. Scarry and disturbing to be an addict and realize this late, isn’t it?