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Who am I?

Narcissistic Pain

Even though I’m more aware I still don’t know who I am. Sometimes it feels that I am composed but this composition is not robust. Sometimes it’s solid and there are times when it is so fragile. When “it” comes it’s breaking apart again. 

I think now I can finally answer the question once asked by my therapist. “What is that you really feel. Tell me one emotion. Name it!”. Now, I know – it’s shame. All who I am has been shaped and determined by this very emotion. All I ever did was to avoid shame. The perfectionism, the constant feeling of being not good enough – that was it. Do all I can to avoid shame. This is my trauma’s name. 

If I had to name one revelation – that without a doubt would be it. Nothing compares. 

This has an explanation. I am so afraid of being ashamed and judged so I appear not who I would like to be and hence I will be abandoned (as not valuable, interesting etc enough). I can’t realize my “accumulated” value as a person, so I only view it from the perspective of my most recent achievements. Sadly, this must have been how I was treated.  This kind of damage makes one a crushed can. You can remodel it, but it’s not going to be pristine again. Never will.

There are positive changes though. I feel more empathy. I relearn the world again. I notice the great value in being nice, good, and emphatic. I want to be someone I never was! I want the values inverted. I despise my former self.

Context

Experiencing narcissistic trauma, such as having a narcissistic parent or being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner, can affect a person’s sense of identity and their connection to their true self. The narcissistic individual’s constant criticism, manipulation, and emotional abuse can cause the person to feel confused and lost, leading to a disconnection from their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

The narcissistic individual may also attempt to control and manipulate the person’s behavior and thoughts, leading the person to doubt their own beliefs and values. This can cause the person to feel like they are not in control of their own life and can make it difficult for them to form a strong and stable sense of identity.

To reconnect with their true self and rebuild a healthy sense of identity, individuals who have experienced narcissistic trauma may need to engage in a process of self-discovery and self-exploration. This can involve seeking support from a therapist or counselor, practicing self-care, and engaging in activities that help the person reconnect with their own thoughts, feelings, and values. It may also involve setting boundaries with the narcissistic individual and distancing oneself from the toxic relationship.