“Narcissism is not a disease someone has. It’s a disease someone is.”
It took me over 40 years to understand the disease which had plagued my family and me for all that time. I always considered this problem as a matter of “difficult” character and “bad genes”. “Some people are just like that” – they say. Have you heard this one before? It’s astonishing how oblivious society is to this omnipresent problem. It shows how deceitful and insidious it is and how successfully it can mask. Entire generations can pass, not knowing the real reason behind their misery. Often the damnation gets passed onto the new generation and sets them for the same faith, eventually. A vicious cycle.
I am no psychologist, nor am I a psychiatrist. I am just a victim of narcissistic abuse. Sadly, likely, I am a narcissist myself too (“an aware one” or just with narcissistic traits). I had thought about this countless times and finally, I realized it would be such a waste not to capture it for others. I have taken so much from what others have written and said that I now feel being part of it. I believe we should speak up. I had no allies on my side. Both before I discovered the problem and after. We need more of us to give testimonies. Opening eyes is the first step to heal.
Ironically I had always considered psychology as pseudo-science. It seemed so fuzzy and illogical. I never bothered to even learn a bit. Now, having learned about my case and myself in particular, I – an analytical mind, see so much logic in psychology. All puzzles now fit together. I managed to connect the past and the present. The future is yet to be unveiled. I have a feeling it’s the secret code deciphered, and I am obliged to give my testimony (like others have). I owe it to all of you dear readers. Moreover, writing is a form of auto-therapy. It’s also a study of trauma. A book on pain. A biography of someone that is no one extraordinary. The path of sorrow engraved in a cold stone. A journey through the darkest chambers of hell which I am taking you with me. A story of wounds that will never heal. Oh and, yes, it’s very personal. I am sharing with you the deepest secrets of mine.
I am not going to spend much time on defining it from a psychology perspective as others have done it better. I have a definition in terms of emotions. What NPD is to me:
- Everlasting loneliness you desperately want to fill, to no avail
- Deepest shame you want to erase and you can’t
- Looking for something you’ll never find
- Disconnect, disintegration, emptiness, confusion
- Endless transition between the fantasy and defence states