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Quest for the true self

To love
To love
To love is to lose
(Linea Aspera, “Eviction”)

What psychology says is that the creation and development of “the false self” results from the utter disappointment of parenting and the necessity to prematurely disconnect from the parent which finally leads to creating “the internal object” of her. Think for a while how severe this must be to happen in the first place. If someone tells you that’s exaggerating and “nothing” (or a half-truth), think how inaccurate and mean it in fact is. Never underestimate this problem, as it is no joke. It is as big as the ocean. It’s like killing someone, but the process of it takes decades. .truth no one wants to know . damage is done . realizations . deep contempt to myself ..what monster I was . not being able to accept loss . not accepting loss by seeking for new success I truly detest things I used to do. I hated the person I was. Whatever I valued the most was worthless, and what I stepped on was the most valuable. If I could imagine how a cursed man might be, now I would think of narcissism. All the incompatibilities, conflicts make one the most miserable creature. We need no hell to incarcerate the other man. .. empty inside/nobody home .. who am I? Do I know myself? Yes, in a way seems so much more now, but is it me or the other false part? Who is the true me? Can I find out at all? How to get to that dimension now and reconnect? Feels like I died at the age of 7 and the only way to connect is to use a medium as if I was a ghost… I so much would love to hug and caress that hopeless little myself. It’s a tragedy itself I will never be able to… Looks it is all about absence and things missed. .. calculated/cognitive empathy to feel normal . am I them? . am I true or I am trying to convince myself while I am seeking “narcistic supply”? . take over . true self . love, empathy . be myself, authentic, breaking the pattern, kill the inner critic remove all layers of the onion, nothing is left, just smell remains . total all aspect damage like fetus injury .NPD: always pay attention to actions and ignore words .scratches on the wall . there is nothing more disappointing than realizing someone who has done so many bad things doesn’t even feel sorry . recurring feeling of loneliness, surreal and deep . marek’s email

. Nine Of Swords

“The Nine of Wands shows an injured man, clutching a wand. He looks over his shoulder towards the eight wands that loom over him. He seems weary and worn, as though he has already been through a battle and now must face additional challenges with the presence of these eight wands. As a Nine, though, this is his final challenge before reaching his goal; he must endure this last test of his strength and character before reaching the finish line.” . st George: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FSaint_George_and_the_Dragon&psig=AOvVaw2RQ5eNXNrH2sFphBERxJ6_&ust=1624195839194000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAoQjRxqFwoTCMDs_ZPno_ECFQAAAAAdAAAAABBR . not an ally of evil people, honor, “You reap what you sow “ . price must be paid, fire shall clean it, dies irae, . the flower stepped on

.not a monster all the time . to depend is to be inferior


S. Vaknin, O. Kernberg, D. Diamond, F. Yeomans, S. Bach, T. Grande, R.Durvasula, R.Rosenberg.