Awakening

“The secret! I saw beyond the door. Three irises! Turn the blue one!”
(“Suspiria” movie)

One day talking to my shrink (about a subsequent prescription), I said “ok, I certainly don’t have depression anymore, but I am not sure what feels wrong then”. She said: “I suggest you think about your childhood and things you didn’t get…”. It was enlightenment. I had never thought about it. How come?

Perhaps it triggered so fast as I became a father. This seems to have re-played the events. I witnessed the same scenes but through my daughter. It crushed some walls open and broke demons loose. I witnessed scenes I used to repress. I saw myself in her (maybe also as she resembles me so much). I saw what was once stepped on. It felt like doing this to her, but in my previous life. This was like a thunder hit. Like a crack of the heart. Deepest pain you can imagine. Like being thrust by thousand of swords and killed by all people you have known. Suddenly, my world has changed. I couldn’t undo it.

I started to read and listen. Educating myself as the step one. When I closed my eyes it invoked memories.

. things I heard: blood is thicker than blood, parents never want bad for you

. memories, flashbacks, references . wounds that would not heal . value never given I was robbed of my true self. I became an extension. An object. To this day seen as a servant to parent entitlement. . the love you will never get The love I didn’t get, I will never get. I have to find ways to fill this whole. . who I really am? . compensation . mask fell . immune to manipulation . I must not do it to my daugther! .bruksism Pain almost physical no smile biting nails not productive thinking of alcohol Leads . chaos and thinking . family patterns . the nest and root of all evil The secret code deciphered

It was astonishing to watch all the tricks and gimmicks to gain a narcissistic supply. I was reading her emails and it was actually always two messages included. One was the literal one (which was not important at all and typically didn’t make much sense), but the other one was what she really meant to say. It was often multiple meanings I could smell and decipher. What was common, was it was always her perspective. Not one was meant to ask or serve me or others. The most common technique was to trigger empathy. I then was able to recall a long record of this type of manoeuvre used on me. She would mention some illness (or a diagnosis of it), but when we met there was no sign of it and no more mention. Typical “baiting” pattern. Of course, the underlying, covert message was intended to touch, poke and trigger my sensitive spots. It well worked when I didn’t have “the key”. Once decrypted, it just ceased to work. Started to work against her. The key became my shield. I’d lied if I said it didn’t trigger me. It did. Like it always has. Believe me or not I didn’t reply a single email. I took the power away. Disarmed her. Flashbacks When I closed my eyes I was recalling more and more. Roots Plot . things said . dry wood and fire . demons released